Ramblings of an Infertile

First and foremost, I have some news!! I am now an EMPLOYED, working mommy!! I LOVE my job!! I think it is the best job I could possibly get, being it is literally down the hall from Wes! I got hired as the after-school teacher for a daycare on the Westside. I have my own class!! It is a perfect starting point for where I want to end up! I think when Chris gets out of the Army next year, I want to open a daycare when we move back home. I want to be able to raise my children with me, all the while making money to support us. Anyway, Wes doesn't start this month because Chris is on con leave from his surgery last month, so Wes and Chris stay home while I work from 12 to 6:30pm. I usually get home by 6:55pm or 7pm. So, not bad at all. Wes will start going with me in January. They serve supper there at 5:15pm, so I will not have to cook all week! It really is totally awesome! Wes and I will be fed and I will have to buy easy things for Chris to make for himself. I love it! Chris was so excited that I got a job, so I can take over my car payment and have some extra cash, but when he heard that he wasn't so thrilled lmao!
          I have also realized that working moms have it so much harder than SAHM! Seriously, I work a full day on my feet and then have to come home and soak up as much time with my son, being the best mommy I can be, all while holding back the fatigue. It's a little tough, but I will get the hang of it. I used to be mad when Chris would tell me that I have it easy and I can sleep whenever I wanted and I have realized that is totally true. I would have never taken this job if Wes wouldn't be taken care of properly. It is amazing, all I do to peek on him is reach my head through my door and there he is! The best part is that I get 50% off Wes's tuition so I will be making enough to cover that, my $400 dollar car payment, and have 200 dollars left for gas, since it is the west side. At first Chris didn't see the positive and did not want me to take it, but then I was like ummmm hello, I will be paying the car payment!! That is awesome enough!
          About my struggles to conceive a second miracle: So, I am on cycle day 34! Wow, that is a long cycle you say, right? Um, yes it is because it should have ended on day 32, but here I sit typing away and I am NOT bleeding like a MOFO, nor am I KNOCKED UP! So frustrating!!! Seriously, I would rather my period just come and mourn that I am not pregnant that month, than my body trick me to thinking that I am. It kills me every time to test and see that one, fucking, big line NOT followed by another one!! November marked 1 year since we have been trying for a second baby and you know how much that FUCKING sucks! Well, yes some of you obviously do, but still. I told my mom that I haven't started, no BFP, and so I would have to buy a bottle of wine and drink my sorrows away, and taking my progesterone to jump-start the bloody bitch. She was like "no Jena! you could still be pregnant, wait a week, I knew a girl who was 6 months and she had just found out cause none of the tests would show a pos!" She also added that I was a drunk if I drank. Oh dear mommy! Now, I love my mother and I am praying for the best possible news that she will receive on Monday because I CANNOT live without the women (another story, another day), but really? I hold onto that hope EVERY month and look at where it has gotten me. Always holding onto hope every time I am late and it is heartbreaking, it sucks, and it's exhausting. Why couldn't I be that girl popping out 5 kids by 25! Seriously!
          I will listen to my doc because he promised me I would be prego by January, so he has until then. If he fails, I am putting myself on soy. I know clomid is good too, but 85% of women get pregnant on their first month with it. Now, I am hoping I won't be out of my 2 months left of clomid and have to try it out, but always have plan B! <-NOT the "back-up" birth control that kills babies!
          Anyway, I am not sure if I will wait till Thursday to start my Progesterone because if I do, I will have lost the whole month of December of TTC.
          I found myself debating when we move to just give Wes's baby clothes away. At the rate I am going, it is likely I will never have another baby. I just feel deep down that our family is not complete yet. Come on Jesus send me a sign! I'll be going to Mass tomorrow and I would really love a sign because I am feeling like their isn't any hope left!!



Oh! and whoever said that TTC is soo fun is sooooo WRONG! It is not fun! It wears me the hell out, by the end of the month I am exhausted and hate sex.

Till tomorrow!