Saturday, December 10, 2011
The Return of The Witch
She definitely showed her face today! Yay!! I really wish I could get back on a regular schedule and start naturally, but that hasn't happened my last 2 cycles. Anyway, I am internally jumping for joy!!! Let's hope this is the month. If I get pregnant this month, a baby would be the ultimate Birthday present because I would be due right around my birthday:)
Friday Night
I have been trying to blog everyday, so I don't have a ton to say every blog. I love blogging, but not for a long time lol. I have been working and Monday I will start classes up again! I am going to be busy bee; however, I am so blessed to be so busy because then I won't have time to obsess over my period coming, ovulation, getting pregnant. I love being busy! I am truly thankful for everything I have been blessed with. Now, if only I can get a baby lol!
Friday morning, I woke to Chris crying out in pain from his side. At first, I thought it was part of my dream, but then I realized it wasn't. I asked Chris what was wrong and he said he was in a lot of pain. I asked him if he needed an ambulance and of course he said no. He "Web MDed" it (LMAO) and "Web MD told him it was kidney stones. I told him he needed to go to the ER like now, but he took some pain killers and said he would be fine until I got home from work at 7pm.
Friday evening I got home and ate my subway. Chris was still sleeping and after I finished my supper, I told him that we were going to the ER now. I got everything the prince needed to occupy his attention; his crayons, paper, DVD player, DVDs, and his phoneme (my iphone). I hope by now, you realize the "prince" is Wes and not Chris lol. Anyway, we went in and Chris was seen in a timely manner. Wes and I waited and waited and finally I got so sick of waiting I went in the back to check on Chris. I expected him to be sitting up because kidney stones aren't that serious, right? Wrong! I go in the back and Chris is connected to all these wires and things are beeping and I am like what is wrong? He told me he had to get a CT scan and that they think since he has a cast on his leg (from his surgery last month), it cause a blood clot and ended up in his lungs. Later it was confirmed that he did in fact have a blood clot. Wes gave him a big hug and so did I. I was really worried about him after that and gave him a hug. I told him I loved him and not to die on me.
I took Wes home around 3am, put him to bed and went to bed myself. I knew I would be up early going to the hospital the next day and I need my sleep. In a perfect world I need 10hrs to be fully rested, but I settled for 5 last night haha.
Anyway, Chris called to let me know he was up. He said he may be released today and my pizza is here, so I am going to enjoy it! Later!!
Friday morning, I woke to Chris crying out in pain from his side. At first, I thought it was part of my dream, but then I realized it wasn't. I asked Chris what was wrong and he said he was in a lot of pain. I asked him if he needed an ambulance and of course he said no. He "Web MDed" it (LMAO) and "Web MD told him it was kidney stones. I told him he needed to go to the ER like now, but he took some pain killers and said he would be fine until I got home from work at 7pm.
Friday evening I got home and ate my subway. Chris was still sleeping and after I finished my supper, I told him that we were going to the ER now. I got everything the prince needed to occupy his attention; his crayons, paper, DVD player, DVDs, and his phoneme (my iphone). I hope by now, you realize the "prince" is Wes and not Chris lol. Anyway, we went in and Chris was seen in a timely manner. Wes and I waited and waited and finally I got so sick of waiting I went in the back to check on Chris. I expected him to be sitting up because kidney stones aren't that serious, right? Wrong! I go in the back and Chris is connected to all these wires and things are beeping and I am like what is wrong? He told me he had to get a CT scan and that they think since he has a cast on his leg (from his surgery last month), it cause a blood clot and ended up in his lungs. Later it was confirmed that he did in fact have a blood clot. Wes gave him a big hug and so did I. I was really worried about him after that and gave him a hug. I told him I loved him and not to die on me.
I took Wes home around 3am, put him to bed and went to bed myself. I knew I would be up early going to the hospital the next day and I need my sleep. In a perfect world I need 10hrs to be fully rested, but I settled for 5 last night haha.
Anyway, Chris called to let me know he was up. He said he may be released today and my pizza is here, so I am going to enjoy it! Later!!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
More Ramblings
First off, on Sunday I took my progesterone to jump-start my period and since today is Wednesday, I am on Day 4 out of 10. Still no period, but last time my period started 4 days after day 10 ended.
I started writing about my fertility problems because right before this I got a facebook message from my neighbor who needed me to watch her children because she had an OB appt. Now, I am not sure if she is pregnant or she just has like a pap or something, but ugh it tugged at my heart. She has 3 kiddos and her youngest is 1! Seriously, why can't I get just one more! Why are there crack whores, druggies, and dead beat mommas getting prego and I can't!! I am totally not saying that she is one, she is totally cool, but god, come on! Send a baby my way before others who have 3!!
As for my job at the daycare, it surprisingly doesn't bother me about being infertile. I love seeing the babies and toddlers playing in their rooms not to far from mine. I think God brought me to this job though because my afterschoolers TOTALLY curb my want for another baby thinking about what that baby grows up to be. Now, don't get be wrong I want a baby sooo very bad, but the older kids are great especially when they act up, because for a few seconds I don't focus on wanting and not being able to get pregnant. I hate stuff like I just mentioned because then I am all about wanting to be pregnant! It sucks and no one can make you feel better about it unless that someone has magical powers and bam, make you pregnant.
My class was so much better today! I hate being mean, but I guess that is what it took. I tried to be nice and the talking back and sarcasm just kept coming, so today I went in with an attitude. One of my "coloful" students flat out lied to my face 2x and so she wrote the rule she broke 5x. I think by the end of the week, I am going to have a whole drawer full of her rule writing. Today was a much better day than yesterday!
Well, I don't really feel like writing anymore because my house is a freaking mess and I need to clean it!
I started writing about my fertility problems because right before this I got a facebook message from my neighbor who needed me to watch her children because she had an OB appt. Now, I am not sure if she is pregnant or she just has like a pap or something, but ugh it tugged at my heart. She has 3 kiddos and her youngest is 1! Seriously, why can't I get just one more! Why are there crack whores, druggies, and dead beat mommas getting prego and I can't!! I am totally not saying that she is one, she is totally cool, but god, come on! Send a baby my way before others who have 3!!
As for my job at the daycare, it surprisingly doesn't bother me about being infertile. I love seeing the babies and toddlers playing in their rooms not to far from mine. I think God brought me to this job though because my afterschoolers TOTALLY curb my want for another baby thinking about what that baby grows up to be. Now, don't get be wrong I want a baby sooo very bad, but the older kids are great especially when they act up, because for a few seconds I don't focus on wanting and not being able to get pregnant. I hate stuff like I just mentioned because then I am all about wanting to be pregnant! It sucks and no one can make you feel better about it unless that someone has magical powers and bam, make you pregnant.
My class was so much better today! I hate being mean, but I guess that is what it took. I tried to be nice and the talking back and sarcasm just kept coming, so today I went in with an attitude. One of my "coloful" students flat out lied to my face 2x and so she wrote the rule she broke 5x. I think by the end of the week, I am going to have a whole drawer full of her rule writing. Today was a much better day than yesterday!
Well, I don't really feel like writing anymore because my house is a freaking mess and I need to clean it!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Ramblings of an Infertile
First and foremost, I have some news!! I am now an EMPLOYED, working mommy!! I LOVE my job!! I think it is the best job I could possibly get, being it is literally down the hall from Wes! I got hired as the after-school teacher for a daycare on the Westside. I have my own class!! It is a perfect starting point for where I want to end up! I think when Chris gets out of the Army next year, I want to open a daycare when we move back home. I want to be able to raise my children with me, all the while making money to support us. Anyway, Wes doesn't start this month because Chris is on con leave from his surgery last month, so Wes and Chris stay home while I work from 12 to 6:30pm. I usually get home by 6:55pm or 7pm. So, not bad at all. Wes will start going with me in January. They serve supper there at 5:15pm, so I will not have to cook all week! It really is totally awesome! Wes and I will be fed and I will have to buy easy things for Chris to make for himself. I love it! Chris was so excited that I got a job, so I can take over my car payment and have some extra cash, but when he heard that he wasn't so thrilled lmao!
I have also realized that working moms have it so much harder than SAHM! Seriously, I work a full day on my feet and then have to come home and soak up as much time with my son, being the best mommy I can be, all while holding back the fatigue. It's a little tough, but I will get the hang of it. I used to be mad when Chris would tell me that I have it easy and I can sleep whenever I wanted and I have realized that is totally true. I would have never taken this job if Wes wouldn't be taken care of properly. It is amazing, all I do to peek on him is reach my head through my door and there he is! The best part is that I get 50% off Wes's tuition so I will be making enough to cover that, my $400 dollar car payment, and have 200 dollars left for gas, since it is the west side. At first Chris didn't see the positive and did not want me to take it, but then I was like ummmm hello, I will be paying the car payment!! That is awesome enough!
About my struggles to conceive a second miracle: So, I am on cycle day 34! Wow, that is a long cycle you say, right? Um, yes it is because it should have ended on day 32, but here I sit typing away and I am NOT bleeding like a MOFO, nor am I KNOCKED UP! So frustrating!!! Seriously, I would rather my period just come and mourn that I am not pregnant that month, than my body trick me to thinking that I am. It kills me every time to test and see that one, fucking, big line NOT followed by another one!! November marked 1 year since we have been trying for a second baby and you know how much that FUCKING sucks! Well, yes some of you obviously do, but still. I told my mom that I haven't started, no BFP, and so I would have to buy a bottle of wine and drink my sorrows away, and taking my progesterone to jump-start the bloody bitch. She was like "no Jena! you could still be pregnant, wait a week, I knew a girl who was 6 months and she had just found out cause none of the tests would show a pos!" She also added that I was a drunk if I drank. Oh dear mommy! Now, I love my mother and I am praying for the best possible news that she will receive on Monday because I CANNOT live without the women (another story, another day), but really? I hold onto that hope EVERY month and look at where it has gotten me. Always holding onto hope every time I am late and it is heartbreaking, it sucks, and it's exhausting. Why couldn't I be that girl popping out 5 kids by 25! Seriously!
I will listen to my doc because he promised me I would be prego by January, so he has until then. If he fails, I am putting myself on soy. I know clomid is good too, but 85% of women get pregnant on their first month with it. Now, I am hoping I won't be out of my 2 months left of clomid and have to try it out, but always have plan B! <-NOT the "back-up" birth control that kills babies!
Anyway, I am not sure if I will wait till Thursday to start my Progesterone because if I do, I will have lost the whole month of December of TTC.
I found myself debating when we move to just give Wes's baby clothes away. At the rate I am going, it is likely I will never have another baby. I just feel deep down that our family is not complete yet. Come on Jesus send me a sign! I'll be going to Mass tomorrow and I would really love a sign because I am feeling like their isn't any hope left!!
Oh! and whoever said that TTC is soo fun is sooooo WRONG! It is not fun! It wears me the hell out, by the end of the month I am exhausted and hate sex.
Till tomorrow!
I have also realized that working moms have it so much harder than SAHM! Seriously, I work a full day on my feet and then have to come home and soak up as much time with my son, being the best mommy I can be, all while holding back the fatigue. It's a little tough, but I will get the hang of it. I used to be mad when Chris would tell me that I have it easy and I can sleep whenever I wanted and I have realized that is totally true. I would have never taken this job if Wes wouldn't be taken care of properly. It is amazing, all I do to peek on him is reach my head through my door and there he is! The best part is that I get 50% off Wes's tuition so I will be making enough to cover that, my $400 dollar car payment, and have 200 dollars left for gas, since it is the west side. At first Chris didn't see the positive and did not want me to take it, but then I was like ummmm hello, I will be paying the car payment!! That is awesome enough!
About my struggles to conceive a second miracle: So, I am on cycle day 34! Wow, that is a long cycle you say, right? Um, yes it is because it should have ended on day 32, but here I sit typing away and I am NOT bleeding like a MOFO, nor am I KNOCKED UP! So frustrating!!! Seriously, I would rather my period just come and mourn that I am not pregnant that month, than my body trick me to thinking that I am. It kills me every time to test and see that one, fucking, big line NOT followed by another one!! November marked 1 year since we have been trying for a second baby and you know how much that FUCKING sucks! Well, yes some of you obviously do, but still. I told my mom that I haven't started, no BFP, and so I would have to buy a bottle of wine and drink my sorrows away, and taking my progesterone to jump-start the bloody bitch. She was like "no Jena! you could still be pregnant, wait a week, I knew a girl who was 6 months and she had just found out cause none of the tests would show a pos!" She also added that I was a drunk if I drank. Oh dear mommy! Now, I love my mother and I am praying for the best possible news that she will receive on Monday because I CANNOT live without the women (another story, another day), but really? I hold onto that hope EVERY month and look at where it has gotten me. Always holding onto hope every time I am late and it is heartbreaking, it sucks, and it's exhausting. Why couldn't I be that girl popping out 5 kids by 25! Seriously!
I will listen to my doc because he promised me I would be prego by January, so he has until then. If he fails, I am putting myself on soy. I know clomid is good too, but 85% of women get pregnant on their first month with it. Now, I am hoping I won't be out of my 2 months left of clomid and have to try it out, but always have plan B! <-NOT the "back-up" birth control that kills babies!
Anyway, I am not sure if I will wait till Thursday to start my Progesterone because if I do, I will have lost the whole month of December of TTC.
I found myself debating when we move to just give Wes's baby clothes away. At the rate I am going, it is likely I will never have another baby. I just feel deep down that our family is not complete yet. Come on Jesus send me a sign! I'll be going to Mass tomorrow and I would really love a sign because I am feeling like their isn't any hope left!!
Oh! and whoever said that TTC is soo fun is sooooo WRONG! It is not fun! It wears me the hell out, by the end of the month I am exhausted and hate sex.
Till tomorrow!
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