Our Littlest Angel

My beautiful 4 year-old son should be wearing a shirt of this variation right now. He should be ecstatic to welcome his new little brother or sister in the coming months (we should know the sex by now). In May. May 27th to be exact. I have been wanting to write a blog honoring our Littlest Angel for a long time. I think part of me waited because it was so fresh in my mind and any thought about our little angel brought back the waves of pain I was feeling. I did not have to the 'time' to break down. Chris would leave to his new job in Saudi Arabia seven days after our loss and 5 days after our loss was confirmed. Wes needed me. I tried so hard to not tell him, but I was so excited that I had too. Wes was thrilled! He wanted a boy and a boy. lol.


Let's go back to September. September 16, 2012 to be exact. It was a Sunday and we had to just arrived back from Alabama. We visited family for a week before Chris was to leave to his new job overseas. He wanted to see his family before he left. On our trip back, I had noticed symptoms that I would not normally have. I did not think much of it because after trying to have a baby for almost 2 years (at that time), and suffering all the heartbreak I had, I was not about to convince myself I was pregnant and then get that big fat negative. The symptoms I immediately noticed were that my feet were swelling and I wanted to eat everything in sight. I was also feeling nauseous at night. So, that Sunday we got back, I went to take a pregnancy test so that I could take my Provera to start my period. Now, if you know nothing about TTC, fertility problems, or PCOS then your probably thinking what! I thought you took a HPT because you wanted to see if you were pregnant, due to a missed period. No. Not the case. I suffer from Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. A symptom of this syndrome is an absence of periods. My body does not shed the lining of the uterus on its own. It needs help and that is the reason I have to take this medicine. So, I took the test, with my Provera in hand, and right before I popped the pill in my mouth I saw two lines. At first I thought what the fuck. I am seeing things. This is not for real. So, I took another one and another one. I ended up taking so many I could not count. Then, I started crying. I was thinking that I had ordered a defective batch of pregnancy tests and it was just getting my hopes up. I yelled for Chris and he came in the bathroom. I asked him how many lines he saw and he said "two." I was so far in denial that I read the directions to the test. After a while, it starting soaking in and things started to make sense. We finally hugged and had a mini celebration.


I called the doctor the next day and made an appointment. It was confirmed a few days later that I was in fact pregnant! One of the happiest days of my life. I could not believe after the struggles I had been through with fertility, that this was finally happening!


At around 5 weeks I started bleeding. I was at work and I was terrified. I called a friend because she had gone through multiple losses before and I had no idea what to do. She told me to go straight to the hospital and so I did. At this point, no one at work knew I was pregnant because I did not want to tell anyone just in case. Obviously after this, everyone knew. It was the most horrible ER experience I ever had. They attempted to put a catheter in me twice! I knew this would not be pleasant because I had, had a c-section, but I was numb. I felt this and it was not pleasant. The IV hurt and the emotional pain that I would lose my baby was more than I could bare. I cried my eyes out. I cried until I had no tears left. After being poked and prodded, they determined that I had an infection and that my levels were great and the baby was still there. That was amazing news. I knew the baby was a fighter and that God would keep my baby safe.


 After that, I went in for an ultrasound every week because my doctor is so anal. Every time I went, every thing was great. The baby was always growing.


When I went in for my 10 week appointment, I could tell things were not going good. I tired to keep hope, by saying that maybe he had just calculated my due date wrong. He was concerned because he could not pick up a heart beat. I tried convincing myself that this baby was going to be fine. Two days later, my world came crashing down when I was at work. It was around 12:30pm and it was nap-time at the school. I knew in that moment that I was losing my baby. The pain was so intense, nothing like I had ever felt before. I knew there was nothing any hospital could do. So, I stayed at work and did not say anything. I knew that if I were to leave, I would ruin Halloween for Wes. I did not want to be in bed for days crying. That was what would have happened if I would have left work. I went to the bathroom and looked down at my baby. I did not know what to do. If I would have had my way, I would have wrapped my baby up, but all I could do was dump the huge mass of tissue that was my baby in the toliet. I felt like such a horrible mother. Who throws their baby in the toilet? I do not think I will ever forgive myself for doing that.


Friday, I went to the doctor to confirm that I had lost my baby. The baby that I had for so long wanted. The new baby that would make Wes a big brother on earth. I thought I had prepared myself for what my doctor was about to tell me, but lord knows I wasn't. Right when he told me that there was no sign of the pregnancy. I slowly lost it. I tried to coach myself to stop, but that did not work. I cried and I cried. My doctor's nurses were so loving. I will never forget the love I felt from them. Some of them had been with me through my whole infertility journey. I flash-backed to how they had hugged me when I came in to confirm my pregnancy and now they were rubbing my back and offering me tissues. I walked out of the office feeling so empty.


Right after my appointment, I went to work. Some will say that I didn't care about my baby; even one of my co-workers told me she didn't know how I did that. She explained that she would probably have quit. In truth, I probably would have thought the same. I never would have said it out loud, but she was ignorant to the subject of loss, so I don't blame her for her rambling thoughts. She was honestly trying to make me feel better. All my co-workers offered their deep condolences, but one of them I will never forget. This one particulary co-worker had been through a loss and I saw the pain in her eyes when she said she was so sorry for me. We talked a few more minutes and she expressed to me that if I ever needed to talk that she was here. I knew she had experienced what I was feeling at that moment.


I consider myself a strong woman and I am, but I knew that if I had called in sick that day and went home and just cried until I couldn't anymore, I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out of it. I needed to go to work. I needed to go to work because I needed to see why I put myself through everything I did. For a child. I put myself through everything because I wanted my son to experience a sibling. I wouldn't lose hope just because my heart was broken.


I never knew how women could say they thought of their baby or babies every day. I thought to myself 'how'? I unfortunately and heartrendingly know how. My baby, my Littlest Angel crosses my mind everyday and everyday I feel that pain. I know that God sent me my little Angel to assure me that I will be able to have another baby, but now just was not the time. I take comfort in knowing that my beautiful son here on Earth has his brother or sister watching over him. Wes is a big brother and I will always consider him a big brother. Wes is a big brother to an angel. I hope that one day I will be able to know exactly why I had to go through that pain. My faith in God is strong and unwavering. I hope that maybe in a year or sooner that Chris and I will be able to conceive again and meet that beautiful angel I never got to know. I feel a sense of peace and comfort knowing he will send our Angel back to us when it is time. Until then, my beautiful Angel, know that I think of you always and I will never stop missing you.

My necklace honoring Our Littlest Angel. This

necklace hangs on my car mirror, next to my rosary.

I hope to be able to wear it on my neck more 

frequently, but I always choke up when I get asked 

questions.

10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates Need to Stop Saying.

In no way is this a "hate" blog about breastfeeding. I am all for breastfeeding and I am so glad that my son was able to get my colostrum before I dried up. I think breastfeeding is great, but I am in a lot of groups who do not have the best approach when trying to promote breastfeeding. I loved this article.

• Breastfeeding is a choice. -- No, it’s not, actually. It only is to women who are able to lactate enough to exclusively feed their babies.
  
  It is not a choice. If it was a "choice" I would have breastfed my baby for at least a year. My milk came in, but I did not produce enough to feed my 10lb, 3oz baby.  I was lucky if I got 2 oz in a day.  My son never latched, so I bottle fed him the colostrum that I was able to extract. I do think that if he was not taken to the nursery and fed a bottle right away, I probably would have had much better luck.
  
  
• Formula is poison. -- We have not engineered a product that completely mimics true breast milk. However, as each year goes by the quality of formula is improving. Calling it poison is ridiculous. Have babies had serious reactions to formula? Yes. The fact is that the chance of any allergy from mother’s milk is virtually non-existent (only in very rare conditions), but that still doesn’t justify calling formula poison. Formula saves lives in many circumstances around the world. I think that we need to be cautious of formula companies and how they are regulating their product. Just like a breastfeeding mother regulates what goes into her body when she is lactating.
  
  I HATE the response when mother's say that formula feeding is like feeding a baby a spoonful of sugar. Um No! Of course I am not debating the question if breast milk is better than formula because obviously Breast milk is better. 
  
• Breast is best. -- Breast is biologically normal. There are many situations when it actually is not best for mother or baby.
  
  ^ I do not understand the argument here, but the slogan often is ANNOYING to hear. 
  
• Formula feeding moms didn’t try hard enough. -- Really? I’m assuming the people who say this were able to breastfeed, or don’t have children. There is a reason that wet-nursing is still widely used in African villages (and developing countries around the world). Some human beings produce little or no milk to feed their infants.
  
  You seriously cannot state the above statement if you only know the mom through facebook! Like come on! You do not know their life and you do not know their struggles. 
  
• I only judge moms who have never tried to breastfeed. -- How about don’t judge at all? There are some people who can’t breastfeed for a number or reasons: Women with double mastectomies, women who have adopted (yes, I clearly know this is a possibility, but it doesn’t mean everyone can or should try this), or women who are on medication for severe PPD. Then there are just some women and families where breastfeeding is never going to be a good option for them. And that is okay, too!
• I am just stating the truth, they make themselves feel guilty, that isn’t my fault. -- With that logic it is no wonder breastfeeding has little support for the general public. Words hurt, you aren’t going to be winning any hearts by making someone feel like they have failed their child.
  
   You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
  
• If they cared more about their children they would try harder. -- No, if they cared about their children they are going to be making the right choice to keep the entire family (including mom) happy and healthy. That sometimes means taking breastfeeding out of the equation -- whether they produced milk or tirelessly tried and finally laid it to rest without results.
  
   No one is going to tell me I didn't try hard enough. No one knows how hard I tried except my mother and sister.
  
• Domperidome is all you need if you *really* aren’t producing milk. -- No, it definitely can increase supply, but it doesn’t mean it will work for your biology. Plus, some women aren’t comfortable taking this prescription. Trust your instincts.
• I just think formula feeding moms are lazy. -- And I just think you’re an asshole.
  
  Well, I think breastfeeding moms who judge, judge, judge are complete bitches. If you see a mom formula feeding, does seeing her feed her baby explain her breastfeeding struggles? Maybe she couldn't produce milk? maybe she didn't want to breastfeed! maybe she tried and tried and couldn't even get an ounce? It doesn't matter to me, the baby is being fed and that is all that matters. 
  
• Breastfed babies are smarter. First off, there are many extremely intelligent people I personally know that were formula fed. More importantly, the studies that have been done on this are still not totally conclusive. There has been a link to an “extended” duration of breastfeeding an significantly higher test scores. However, the mothers of these children all were of an older age and came from similar socioeconomic backgrounds. I think the studies are important and valid, but I also think this isn’t something that would be healthy to mention to a mother that formula feeds her child. 
  
  This could be true. I am not debating, but this could be point when talking to a mother about breastfeeding. My son only received colostrum, but is one of the 3, 3 year olds who was moved up this year to the 4/5 year old class. I think it also has to do with the type of teaching instruction you have set up at home. Learning begins at home.
  
  
  Source:
  http://www.blogher.com/what-breastfeeding-advocates-need-stop-saying?page=0,0 

Love My Life.

I was just reflecting over today and I came to a conclusion; I love my life!

It's barely 9:20pm and I am exhausted! I got up super early today to take Wes to his 1st day in the 4K preschool class! He loved it! I have no doubt this will foster his growth and development.

I have so much homework to get done before our trip home and I am such a procrastinator! I was debating whether to double up and take classes at EPCC. I am going to talk with then tomorrow and hopefully get in! I am so ready to have my degree, seriously!


My little boy is AHMAZING! I love him so much my heart hurts thinking about it.

But anyway, back to what I was trying to explain. I have so much to look forward too! Seeing family, Halloween, my boo's 4th birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, new years, moving across the world! This is one wild ride my life turned out to be! I never pictured myself living in some distant country, but that is what it has molded into! God has led us to this, I know to open and offer more opportunities.

A Ray of Sunshine

I haven't blogged in soo long! Update on everything. . We ended up staying in El Paso until next June/July because of everything Chris will be doing with Raytheon and getting ready to leave the country. We got a townhouse in Central El Paso and it's okayy. We are right by the pool and swim all the time! That is a plus I guess. I am still working at All-Star Readers and Wes will start the 4s Class  tomorrow! He is more than ready! I am still in school and right now I am taking a history class. I usually love history, but the way this class is set up, I am not really liking all the lengthy timelines we have to complete every other week.

Wes has gotten so good at swimming by himself (w/ floaties 

of course). He loves the water just like his mommy!

 Wes got his first classmate birthday invitation

last week! I am so excited for him. 

 I had surgery in July to take out my cysts and to make sure my fallopian tubes were clear since we are going on almost 2 years of TTC. I was soo scared! When they had Chris and I sitting in the room, I actually had a nose bleed because I was THAT nervous. When they wheeled me into the OR I was terrified! Last time I was in the OR I didn't have choice because I was having a baby, but this time I did. I obviously want a baby, so I went through with it! Recovery wasn't that bad. I felt nauseous and weak. I was fine the day after. My results were kind of saddening. I found out I have a lot of scarring from my C-section and I only have one working fallopian tube. The other one was blocked. My doctor isn't worried because he tells me it "only takes one" to get pregnant. I hope he is right! Since trying to concieve our second and using OPKs, I have never gotten a postive result. This month I used my clear blue ones and I got the best news of the week! I had so much cramping on Friday I thought I was starting my period early. I got home and tested at the same time I do every day and got this result! Yay!!

I finally got a +OPK!! I was soo happy! 

Wes is becoming a lot more verbal about having a "baby." He wants one and he wants one bad! Lol, everytime he sees a baby he tells me "I want one." No smile or anything, just stating he wants one lol. Hopefully we can make this sweet little boy a big brother in the next month! We have one more month of TTC before Chris is off to Saudi and we are stuck here until June/July. 

My sweet boy!

Let me tell you what I did today!

This morning I went to ACS (Army Community Service) and tried to fax my income tax return to FACTS. When we move I want to put Wes in Catholic school, but the tuition is 3,000 up front. While I can make monthly payments, there is no way I can pull that kind of money out of my butt lol. So, FACTS is the company I have to go with and arrange monthly payments so he can go to the school. The clock is ticking so I am trying to get everything submitted. Well I TRIED to fax it, but I guess there server was over loaded so I must go again tomorrow, yay!

We are having our summer literacy camp at work for the next 2 weeks, so I wasn't able to notify my boss that I will be leaving next month. I am trying to find a good time, but there is never any time! So, I need to do that ASAP!


Speaking of moving, I need to get my living room and Wes's room painted back to the original color so I can schedule a walk through with housing and they can tell me what I need to fix. Soooo much stuff to do before we move and I still have to do it while working 33 hours a week!

Sunday...Funday...

Not so much. More like a lazy day! All day I was totally glued to my ipad, watching season 3 of "Son's of Anarchy." I love that show and I finished season 3 in one day! That just shows how dedicated I am, or how much of nothing I did today lol.

It isn't "official" yet because we haven't "officially" gotten orders today, but we are moving. Around July 26th, the Army will come and pack us up to end this chapter in our lives. Bittersweet of course! We have made a life for ourselves out here, but I cannot tell you how happy I am to be going home! Chris and I are about 90% sure we will be back in Alabama, but it all boils down to where he gets a job at. He is not officially out until September, but we are heading out so we can start getting our BAH for the next 2 months. Not exactly sure where we will be, but we will be doing it together!

A Change of View

So, today I actually got to hang out with one of my best friends in El Paso. We were talking and catching up (considering we haven't hung out in God knows how long lol)! She brought up circumcision. I have never been "pro", but I did believe whatever a parent chose was great for them and I chose to circumcise. She told me all of the usual things I usually hear. I said I made the decision to get Wes circumcised and I don't regret it, but as future sons go, I am not sure I will be circumcising them. I had researched it a little more and found out the procedure and wasn't sure I wanted to put future kids through that. Then she showed me something what would forever change my views on circumcision.

What happened in this video will forever be in my mind. I keep seeing that poor baby being strapped down. Arms, legs and all. It was disturbing before they even started cutting. Then, in this circumcision they used anesthetics, so they shoved this huge needle in this poor babies penis. He screeched in pain. My heart hurt!! Then there's blood and they wipe it away. The baby is still screaming in pain. After a few minutes, they pull the penis forward and shove this knife to start cutting and that is when the baby was screaming in more pain and that was all I could take, 3 minutes out of a 7 minute video and that was enough. I wanted to pick that poor baby out of the video and just hold him tight. He just came in to the word and their carving him up like a fucking turkey.


I looked over at Wes and I told him I was so sorry. I cannot believe I put my son through that pain. To have him taken away with strangers and for those strangers to violate him like that. It honestly makes me wanna cry when I think about it. I was 18 when I had Wes and that was the norm. I never thought twice about NOT circumcising. I wish I had a 1000 times. I will never think twice about circumcision again. None of my future sons will be put through that pain that their older brother was. I thank Kim for showing that video to me because now I am no longer on the fence, I am for keeping a little boy the way he came into the world; perfect!